Why listen to me?

Seriously, I have no answer to that. At all! Or to anything really!

I have suffered with anxiety I’m pretty sure since birth.

Most people don’t believe that, most medical experts don’t believe that.

It’s “learned” it’s a “trauma response” it’s a response to your upbringing and surroundings.

Maybe so.

But I know, as far back as my memory goes. I’ve had anxiety.

I didn’t know it was anxiety! (It wasn’t a thing in the 80’s….. or 90’s……. or some of the 00’s) but I knew the feelings I had inside of me were not nice and for so many years of my life hidden, as much as they could be, from others.

It felt shameful to have all these feelings when no one else around me appeared to have them.

I can remember as a child on my birthday my mum telling me that I would soon be starting nursery and going there a few hours every day and how exciting that would be.

That sounded the total opposite of exciting to me. This was not exciting news to me at all! And the first time I felt out of control of my life.

I just remember this overwhelming feeling of dread, like my body was suddenly a weight, my arms and legs were heavy and my stomach just felt like it was filled to the brim of butterflies.

Nursery!

I mean… You go, you play, you colour, you snack, you go home! But if it meant leaving the house …. it was not for me. And I knew this, and clearly from my body response, it knew this too.

And this was pre anything traumatic happening to me (that I have memory of)

I wish I could tell you that this response changed over years, with age, with therapy, with support, it didn’t. But I am a fully functioning citizen who lives life. who has climbed the career ladder, travelled and done things others without anxiety admit they wouldn’t. Without meds and with my anxiety in tow! As it never goes far! So I have to do life with it, or let it pass me by. And I’m more scared of it passing me by if I’m honest.

I have had periods of time it hasn’t plagued me! But that was more from a social life point of view thinking about it! And those years were precious and great.

I have had at least one breakdown, and an eating disorder which relapsed 3 times that I can recall.

I spent years crying on the way to lower school, middle school, high school, and work.

If you want to read from someone that has overcome this I’m sorry, it isn’t me.

But! I no longer cry on the way to work daily??? Which counts as a win?

Anxiety is a tricky and twisted dark passenger of mine. And I’ve accepted there’s no miracle cure. Trying to find a cure gets you labelled as a hypercondriac (which is a wonderful side effect of anxiety!) trying to hide it makes people think you are rude/drunk or more unwell than you actually are in some cases, it makes people uncomfortable, it makes people who don’t suffer frustrated, and it can make you as a sufferer quite one dimensional if you allow it to overtake you in your quest to get over it and over share your feelings.

Nowadays people almost celebrate you being honest about it. Which is helpful in that it’s no longer a shady secret to hide. And it opens up to how many people actually suffer which I wish for my 5 year old self and growing up into my teens I’d known! So many years feeling confused, shame, exhaustion from this double life of mine. Pretending to be normal so no one realised my only goal of everyday was to get home again to my safe place.

But be warned, with honesty comes allowances. And people make allowances for your bad days. Which is wonderful. As we all have them, and there are still some days now for me in my 40’s where I know …. the anxiety is winning that day and nothing I can do will outsmart it. But … with allowances comes an acceptance that these days are to be expected (they absolutely are) but you can’t stay there. You can’t allow a bad day to turn to a bad week, two weeks or a month. I at times have lost 6-12 months to this condition and I’ll never get it back.

So I’m hoping I can bring a mix of understanding, coping, and tough love. As I never ever would get through my life without a dose of the tough stuff now and again.